The Day The Peter Messed Up
by Marshall Bond
Summary: Peter wants to become a doctor. When that dream is crushed, Stewie gets himself in the hospital in a cast, and Peter is to blame! Everything turns around when Peter joins the police squad.


Family Guy 

(Pans down from sky)

PETER: Chris, Go get me some plyers! I'm in the middle of an important operation.

CHRIS: But dad, that's just the game Operation! That man is made out of cardboard!

PETER: Hey! He's still awake! How would you like to be called cardboard!

CHRIS: But dad, he's fake!

PETER: No. He's a brave man. Not a fake. Does this look fake to you? He's got an apple lodged inside of him!

MEG: Dad, why are you dressed like a doctor?

PETER: Not now, Meg, I'm in the middle of an important operation!

MEG: Dad! I need you to sign this permission slip! And plus, that's just a game!

PETER: No. Pain and injury is not a game! This is real!

MEG: Dad! That's the game called Operation!

PETER: I knew it! (To the cartoon guy on the game board) So that's why you didn't feel me inject that poison into your knee cap!

Later at dinner

PETER: I've been thinking…

LOIS: That's great! Now we can tell all of your friends your brain is working again.

PETER: No, Lois. I mean, I've _really_ been thinking about becoming a doctor.

LOIS: You're kidding, right?

MEG: What kind of doctor? Like a plastic surgeon?

PETER: Sorry, Meg. I was thinking more along the lines of a_ real_ surgeon. But someday, you'll have the luxury of saying, "Yes. My daddy is the one who removed your brain," and "Yes. My daddy is the one who accidentally cut open your belly and dropped a peanut inside," and "No. My daddy isn't the doctor who accidentally gave you a homicidal maniac instead of your baby," because that will be another doctor.

CHRIS: Cool! My dad's gonna' cut someone open! Awesome!

LOIS: Chris, please be quiet. That's not something you wanna' go screaming to everyone.

PETER: Lois, leave him alone. He's 13.

LOIS: I mean, that's not why you want to be a plastic surgeon, is it? So you can cut someone open?

PETER: What's all this talk about plastic? I'm not plastic, I'm human. If you want a plastic husband, go down to that store that we don't let Chris in, and buy one yourself.

LOIS: Peter, a plastic surgeon isn't made of plastic. It's just a name.

PETER: Oh. Well, you could still get a plastic husband if you want.

LOIS: I don't need a plastic husband. I've got this wonderful one right here in this house!

PETER: Where! Where is he?

LOIS: He's you!

PETER: Oh. Because if there was anybody in here, I would kill them!

STEWIE: Hey! Fat man! Kill Lois! Kill Lois! (Jumping up and down)

The next day

(Peter is in the Recreation Center Gym, and they are having tryouts)

MAN BEHIND DESK: Griffin?

PETER: Oh, that's me! But the name is Peter Griffin.

MAN BEHIND DESK: Right. Please step over there on the red piece of tape.

PETER: (In a suspicious voice) WHY?

MAN BEHIND DESK: So we can begin the doctor tryouts.

PETER: (Walks over to the red piece of tape hesitantly)

MAN BEHIND DESK: Begin, please.

PETER: (Rapping) I'm Peter Griffin, and I'm here to say, that I would be really good doctor today. I will not cut them, or drop a peanut in their lower intestine and get fired from the Rhode Island Hospital in 1993, I will not inject poison needles in their knee. If you make me a doctor here, we'll have a party and I'll bring the beer! Cheers! Let's go to Sears. I can handle the Gears. What are your fears? Peace out!

MAN BEHIND DESK: What was that?

PETER: My rap. It took me _all_ night to write it.

MAN BEHIND DESK: Is that all? No promises, no medical history, no experience?

PETER: Well, there was a time in 1993 when I dropped a pe….a pee in the toilet. And then, I saved the world from Nazis in the war, and brought us all world peace.

MAN BEHIND DESK: Next!

Later

(Peter is on the couch with Chris, Meg, and Stewie)

PETER: Well, It looks like your daddy won't be a surgeon after all.

CHRIS: Aww! Now I have to go tell all my friends that you can't remove their hearts and replace them with robotic ones!

MEG: And I will have to go tell the popular girls that you can't give them breast implants!

STEWIE: And you won't be able to fix this awful growth between my legs! Look at that! It's awful! (Stewie is pointing at his diaper)

(There is a moment of silence. Meg is looking sad, Chris looks sad, Peter's eyes are scanning around the room carelessly, and Stewie keeps pointing at his diaper)

STEWIE: Look at this! Watch this! Who the devil do you kids like these days? (Stating a name) Britney Spears! (Looking down at his diaper) It grows, too! That's disgusting! Let me try again…Michael Jackson! (Looks down again, and has a look of shock, and then turns around) You didn't see anything! Shut up! BLAST! (Runs off)

PETER: Stewie, watch out for the wall! (Close up of Peter)

STEWIE: (Off-screen) Damn you vile growth! I shall remove you myself!

PETER: No, Stewie! Don't touch daddy's razor kit!

MEG and CHRIS: Stewie! Watch out! (Ad-libbing)

STEWIE: (Sound Effect- Knives Falling To The Ground) Blast!

(Peter, Meg, and Chris look shocked. Camera stays on them)

(They run Off-screen)

(Camera angle switches to Stewie's point of view. Meg, Chris, and Peter are hunched over him and looking down at him. Stewie blacks out)

The Next Morning

(Camera shows Stewie's eyes opening, it zooms back, showing his head)

STEWIE: It's a beautiful new day! The sun is shining! The birds are chirping! I…I…I can't sit up! Help! Help! Lois! (Quietly to himself) Oh, why the deuce did I call for her? (Yelling) Fat man! I can't move!

LOIS: (Rushes in to the room. By now, the camera angle is showing that Lois is coming through the door) Stewie! Are you okay?

STEWIE: No! What do you think? (Looks down at his feet) Aah! What did they do? You did it! You did this to me, you DEVIL WOMAN!

LOIS: Calm down! You had an accident last night and passed out! The doctor had to put you in this cast! (Camera angle shows for the first time that Stewie is in a complete body cast)

PETER: (Walks into the room) Lois, are you sure my knife collection is okay? (Looks at Stewie) Oh, hi Stewie.

LOIS: Peter! Are son is in a freakin' body cast and all you can think about is your knive collect…(Interrupted by Peter)

PETER: Uh uh! That's "Signiture All Gold Army Knife Collection" to you!

LOIS: That's exactly my point! You care more about your knives than our child!

PETER: What child? Is this something I should know about?

LOIS: Stewie! Our child Stewie! The one in the body cast!

PETER: What body cast?

LOIS: That's it! I'm leaving! You take care of the kids…That is, if you remember who they are! (Lois storms out of the room)

PETER: What went up her butt?

BRIAN: Well, Peter, you care more about knives than your kid!

PETER: What kid?

BRIAN: Did you take Dumb Ass pills or something? Stewie is your kid!

PETER: Who's Stewie?

BRIAN: Your kid in the body cast? The baby? Don't you see him? I mean, he's right there!

PETER: Where?

BRIAN: Forget it!

Later at night

(Peter is wandering around town, crickets chirping)

PETER: Damn it! God, why does Lois hate me?

GOD: Well, Peter, maybe it's because you're a jackass!

PETER: You're right, god. I am a jackass. I wasn't paying attention to my own son. And then when Brian told me about Stewie, I denied ever having a kid of that name! Will you forgive me?

GOD: Um……No.

PETER: Well, I'll make it up to you god! I'll become an actor and steal the show from Tom Cruise in "Mission Impossible 3". Of course, I'll need double the harnesses, and maybe a few stunt doubles, but I can do it! You just have to believe in yourself!

GOD: Watch out for that truck, Peter!

(A truck comes speeding towards Peter)

PETER: Aaaah! (Jumps out of the way) That was a close one! Hey…Wait….Did you do that, God? Did you put that truck there?

GOD: (Whistles nonchalantly) Hmm?

PETER: Oh well. Now I'll have to make it up to Lois. But how?

DRUG DEALER: You could buy her some coke!

PETER: No, we already have a six pack of Diet Coke at the house. No thanks.

DRUG DEALER: No, man! I mean drugs!

PETER: We get our drugs from the pharmacy. Mostly just headache medications and laxatives.

DRUG DEALER: No, I mean like pot!

PETER: I said no thanks, pal. Lois just got a new cooking set with a nice big pot for cooking stew.

DRUG DEALER: Just give me your money! Please!

PETER: Hey! I know what you are!

DRUG DEALER: You do?

PETER: Yeah! You're one of those salesmen. Are you trying to sell me a house? 'Cause I already got one.

DRUG DEALER: I'm a drug dealer! God you're dumb!

GOD: Don't you talk about me in that matter!

PETER: That's it, isn't it? Well, Peter don't play that game! (Jumps on top of the drug dealer, and hand cuffs his hands behind his back). You're under arrest!

(A police car drives up and cops jump out)

PETER: I worked for the police force for 3 years, until I dropped an explosive peanut on the floor of the police academy. By the way, that's a good movie.

COP 1: Get in the car! You're under arrest! Thanks, Peter! You've caught the biggest drug dealer in the Rhode Island state. How would you like to join the force?

PETER: Great! Let me just go get some peanuts…

COP 2: No! I mean, no more peanuts!

PETER: You don't have to be so pushy!

Another Day

(Peter is skipping down the street in his police uniform, heading for the police academy)

PETER: (Singing) I'm a policeman, hear me roar! I arrest people 'cause that's what I'm for! I like Michael Fox in "Family Ties"! I will be sad if my baby dies! I'm heading to the police academy! I'm just a police guy, so don't get mad at me! (Losing ideas for song) Look over there, it's a guy with a beard! I wonder if his kids think he's weird! There's a lady, or is it a man? I do what I want and I do what I can! (People are gaining up on him in anger, but he keeps singing) I'm being chased by an angry mob! The leader of the gang is a big fat slob! Oh look up over there, I think it's Bill Murray! Did you know that my chest is furry? (He takes a sharp turn and the angry mob continues past him down the street)

MOB: Get him! Get that man! (Fading away)

PETER: That was a close one! I didn't even do _anything_ to provoke them! Oh well! (He looks off into the distance) I see the academy! I'm close! (He starts running towards it)

GUARD AT FRONT DOOR: Why, hello Peter! How nice to see you joining the force!

PETER: Nice to see you joining the force, too!

GUARD AT FRONT DOOR: I've been working here for eight years.

PETER: Oh. (He runs through the door)

GUARD AT FRONT DOOR: This is going to be a disaster.

(Peter is running down the hallway)

PETER: Hi, random cop! Hi other random cop! Hi other other random cop!

Hi group of random cops! Bye random cops! (He is now in the chief's office)

CHIEF: Hello, Peter. Welcome to the force. We've already got an assignment for you.

PETER: Already? I mean, I just got here.

CHIEF: This is actually an assignment assigned for a cop 20 some years ago. He died of shock when he saw what it was. Now, I'm giving it to you. Whether or not this assignment is still obtainable depends on if the person involved in this assignment is still alive.

PETER: What's the assignment?

CHIEF: To kill Lois!

At the hospital that very moment

STEWIE: (Wakes up from a dream) Lois will die soon. (Falls back to sleep)

Back in the Chief's Office

PETER: Lois is my wife!

CHIEF: I know. That's what the last guy said.

PETER: Wait. Say that again, but slower.

CHIEF: (Slowly) That's what the last guy said?

PETER: But Lois is _my_ wife. How could she be _his_ wife, too?

CHIEF: I don't know. Is your wife Lois McShane?

PETER: No.

CHIEF: Well then it's not your wife you have to kill. It's mine! And I'm not really the Chief! I'm the guy who died when he saw his assignment that I told you about! (His skin slips off, revealing a dead skeletal body with a look of shock. The assignment sheet slowly drifted through the air due to the gush of air brought up when the skin fell off)

PETER: (Grabs the sheet and stares at the dead body, then runs out of the office in fright)

At the hospital that very moment

STEWIE: (Wakes up again) I guess Lois isn't going to die after all. Oh well. (Drifts back to sleep)

In the yard of some person

PETER: This must be Lois McShane's house. Now it's time to kill. No…wait…now it's time to fart………NOW it's time to kill! (He knocks on the door)

(An old lady answers the door)

OLD LADY: Hello?

PETER: Sarah Conner…I mean, Lois McShane?

OLD LADY: No, I'm Lois Mc….(Peter shoots her)

PETER: Mission accomplished.

LOIS MCSHANE: That was Lois McDoogle. _I'm_ Lois McShane. You got the wrong person.

PETER: Oh! Oh! Damn it to hell, I killed an innocent person! Oh man! No! God! No! Oh God! Forgive me! (Starts to beg for mercy) Please! Please!

OLD LADY: (Stands up from the ground where she was supposedly "dead" and pulls a bullet proof vest out from under her shirt) Hahaha! Ha! Ha! We got him! You should have seen the look on your face! You thought you killed me!

PETER: Hey! Alright, now! If you're Lois McDoogle, and you're Lois McShane, I have to kill Lois McShane.

LOIS MCSHANE: No you don't. That mission has been cancelled for 20 some years now. I'm reporting you to the police!

PETER: I _am _the police!

LOIS MCDOOGLE: Well, you suck!

PETER: Okay. I'll leave now. I've been proved wrong. I am so sorry to bother you. It was a dead guy who gave me this. He said that Lois McShane was his wife. Of course, he was already dead, so I don't really know how that was even possible. (He runs away in a hurry, feeling foolish for ever coming here)

That's all so far. Please, review this. I know, it sucks so far, but I'm still trying to make a plot, but I can't.


End file.
